Ironic Autobiography

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I am a complex being, the core to an arduous maze. My mind imbibes important information; I remember people¡¦s birthdays. I learned in grade science that Saskatchewan is so flat you can sit and watch your dog run away for a week. My dexterous typing skills have helped me master difficult computer programs like MSN and ICQ where the key object is to press enter with accuracy. I can fold socks and underwear into a perfect sphere, as orbicular as the Earth.

My intellectual mind allows me to draw so aesthetically that some people visualize a fish while others see a house in my famous work of the Mona Lisa. I play the violin and the piano at the same time using one hand. But I should learn how to make use of my toes. Perhaps I should start out by stretching. I can sing, dance and chew gum but my greatest asset lies on the fact that I can recite The Lord¡¦s Prayer¡Kbackwards.

I have a sixth sense. I trip over camouflaged objects that others cannot see. My omnipotent vision is beyond human capabilities; it can penetrate and see through glass. I fraternize with dangerous con artists who steal expensive lunch boxes. I become the friend of invisible friends. One whose name was Bob¡Xor was it Tom? At age seven, I was only able to do a cartwheel. But recently, I¡¦ve discovered the art of a log roll; I can even perform it without using any hands.

I have experienced many deadly ordeals. I lived through a shooting attack of BB gun bullets and dodged a car by doing a 60-degree spin. My reaction time is ¡V. I survived through a lethal allergy attack from the grass pollen invasion. I held my head high when I suffered from pimple breakouts. Mosquito bites are no threat. I only experience redness and constant itching on the surface of my pale skin.

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I have special skills that brighten my future paths. My height is effective in dodging video cameras and automatic door censors. I appear to be transparent. My patience is great enough to allow phone conversations that last over six hours. But I only appreciate puzzles with a maximum of four pieces. I have designed and built my own skating rink using a bucket of water and Dove soup. It has been proven to be extra slippery by my sister. I observe selected individuals and write down witty things they say. I study their behavior by following them home. My future career consists of me helping those, who have too much unwanted money, spend money. I am helpful in many ways.

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