Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Modern Modest Proposal

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It is a melancholy object to those who walk through the magazine aisle of their local grocery store to be constantly shown images of the ideal women and men, and then to be thrust into the real world where these toned and slender beings do not often walk. These grocery store men and women are sent into a world of oversized non models that are an eye sore to everyone that must gaze upon them.


I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of ugly people is in the present deplorable state of the nation a very great additional grievance; and therefore, whoever could find a fit, cheap, and easy method of making these monstrosities, the now seemingly average sized men or women, useful and more appealing members of the commonwealth even when compared to the magazine images shown by the media, would deserve so well of the public as to have his or her statue set up for a preserver of the nation. But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the pleasantly plump men and women scrolling through the magazine aisle; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take into account the whole of the American economy and import/ export industry. It is true that a human can live on average 8 - 10 days without food or water. He or she can than live considerably longer if allowed drinking water or if the air is particularly humid ( “Fasting” ) . It is also true that U.S. agricultural imports have sky rocketed in past years “reaching $ billion in fiscal 000, a 7% increase in ten years” ( Economic Research Service 5 ). Therefore I propose we begin instituting among our citizens of all ages a government regulated fasting schedule which after a few months, maybe even weeks, will begin to shed pounds and reveal to the world the anorexic bodies we knew our nation always possessed. The new schedule will cause such a lowering in the demand for food crop in the nation that the U.S. will experience a dramatic decrease in the number of imports it receives and exports will climb as excess food is shipped to countries that do not have the correct soil developed for certain crops. This will help give the economy a much needed boost, and provide the U.S. with yet another area in which to be the most efficient, beautiful and powerful nation in the world.


There is likewise another great advantage to my scheme, that it will prevent those needless deaths from clogged arteries and greasy foods which only work to make the body unclean. Too often among us is the idea of eating fast food held as a better choice against eating nothing at all. The fasting schedule will rid this nation of all but the minimal necessary food and of course water, so there will no longer be a choice of “to eat or not to eat” for the weak willed of our nation. Bulimia will not be a problem among troubled teens because there will be no extra food available to binge on or purge. Also lunch breaks will eventually become non existent as a large glass of water will be all that is provided for the mid afternoon meal. Americans will need less and less money to spend on what is now considered a necessary item. With food no longer being such a great expense more money will be left in the American person’s budget for whatever sports utility vehicle happens to be on the market.


The number of men and women in the United States right now is upwards of 0,000,000 (Yax 1). With this many people no longer needing to buy food there will be millions of dollars available for whatever desire needs to be satiated. Time will no longer be needed for the art of eating or cooking. Assuming people spend about an hour per meal and have three meals per day on average each individual will save at least 1,05 hours a year. This does not include the longer meals on holidays, snacks, or the preparation time needed for certain dishes. All of this extra time and money can go towards producing more well rounded people gifted in many areas of study with such bony bodies that none can complain America is obese.


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I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration the scheme in which each American will be taught early in life that food is not as necessary as was once believed. Each month will go as follows the first full week powdered shakes to be mixed with water will be sold and consumed once a day. These shakes will contain only the protein needed to keep the individual from fainting too often to be productive throughout the day. The next week will begin a shake once every other day, and then a week with only water. The last week of the month each person will be allowed two shakes for the roughly seven day period. The cycle will then repeat with the new month. This cycle will reduce the chance of death as each person will be getting something to nourish their bodies, to a degree, in less then the ten day critical period which was mentioned earlier. The food items which will be necessary for life will be sold on a week to week basis so that no one can hoard large quantities without starving quickly. Groceries will be socialized and since most things will be in a liquid form so as not to damage the fragile undernourished digestive system, there will be little or no need for the modern idea of a grocery store. The government will keep track of which families have had their weekly feeding so as to not allow any “double dipping” into the supply by anyone that may be attempting to exceed their ideal weight as it is portrayed by the media.


All other solutions to this problem hitherto proposed are utterly impossible to execute. For we can neither trust each individual American to exercise and lose extra pounds, nor can we believe that exercise would be enough to achieve the ideal body portrayed by the media. For those that believe this practice to be unethical or unhealthy to the human race, I can only ask this is it healthy to have children innocently eating meals believing one day they too can look like Christina Aguilera, when in fact even she is doctored by magazine editors to appear more attractive? We can not feed that naive notion any longer. It only leads to feelings of inferiority, failure and low self esteem later in life. So we must make the ideal weight presented by the media an attainable one for our young children, college students and business men and women. We can only do this by training them to forgo food and force their bodies into the unnatural figures generated by computers and editors. Some might complain about the lost jobs within the food industry, but people will have more time without the burden of eating to discover a new passion in life, for example, clothing design. Our nation will be teeming with eager pencil thin bodies ready to drape cloth over themselves for any fashion show that presents itself. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.


For first, as I have already observed, it will greatly lessen the number of imports versus exports coming into this country. We are already quite off balance in our trades with other countries and this change in trade could lead to more prosperous times that could be shared by all who live within our nation (“International Trade” 151). Secondly, the unsightly illness bulimia will no longer be practiced in the states, as there will no longer be food to be wasted in such an unflattering manner. Thirdly, whereas the expense of time and money needed for nationwide exercise and health programs would be hard to enforce, slow in showing results and even ineffective in producing the desired results of toothpick shaped figures, the socialized eating schedule would both save time and money, while being effective as soon as in a month. Fourthly, there would be a reduction in deaths due to excess fatty foods. Fifthly, those people who might have ended up working at McDonald’s can spend their life instead in a more meaningful career of their choosing. They can attain the needed education in the time saved from not eating. Sixthly, more and more American models would become international superstars. We would not have to see the oddly named Giselle or Olga on our magazine covers, instead we could see the more familiarly named Megan, or Jennifer.


There is still no proactive and effective attempt being made to correct this horrendous problem. Therefore, I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and like expedients, till he has at least a glimpse of hope that there will be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice. But as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it has something solid and real, is of no expense and little trouble, full in power, and whereby we can incur no danger of disobliging our own government which I am sure will be happy to have heard a positive solution rather then only complaints. I am not saying that I am so violently bent upon my own opinion as to reject any offer proposed by wise men, which can be found equally innocent, cheap, easy and effectual. But before something of that kinda shall be advanced in contradiction to my scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First how they intend to cure the entire nation of the thoughts of inferiority they suffer when they see Glamor magazines. Second how they intend to keep the nation efficient in their attempt to avoid such unhealthy thoughts. I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no more than the public good of my country in mind, for I myself avoid the magazine aisle. THE END.


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